So…the full moon is upon us again, and as always she is truly beautiful – shining brightly in the midnight sky. It was clear, with only a trace of clouds tonight, and though on the chilly side, it was nice. Now if only I’d actually had the motivation to do anything. 😦
Life’s little stresses (ha!! Like not having a job, when you have a mortgage and 2 kids to feed is little.) have really got me down, and I’m having a really hard time climbing out of the pit I have found myself in. The things that used to bring me joy and peace…are nothing more than motions at the moment. There is little to no energy or emotion involved in any of it, and I miss it desperately. To be honest…I’m not sure how to fix it, and each Esbat and Sabbat that passes, only serves to remind me of what I’ve lost, and it gets harder and harder to even find the energy to continue going through those motions. I recognize that there is something broken inside me, but that it’s up to me to figure out a way to put me back together.
So tonight, I spent a few moments outside under the moon, just talking to the Goddess. Letting her know that I still love her as much as ever (because I do), even though I can’t seem to find a way to show it at the moment.
So it seems for the moment that flashes and mere glimpses are pretty much the norm for me. In truth this doesn’t surprise me much, as I am about as closed up (energetically) as a person can possibly be. I’m guessing at this point a whole pantheon could be standing next to me, and odds are I might not even notice…but I’m working on it. I’ve said it before, but it would help if I actually got something that even remotely resembled time to myself…but I never do. So anything that requires a bit of peace and quite…not working out so well for me at the moment, but I do the best that I can.
Tonight I went outside to honor the God and Goddess and to meditate a bit under the full moon. Though not warm out by any stretch, for once it wasn’t raining or too cold, so it was nice to be able to work outside. It was a bit cloudy and breezy, but otherwise a great night. So I found myself a nice patch of ground to sit on, set out an offering and tried to meditate. Something that immediately happened that I found interesting is that all my cats that were outside at the time, came over to where I was and formed a circle around me (my 2 females and 2 of my males). Three of them never moved once they took up their positions around me, the last one would wander over to me every once in a while, but then wander back to the edge of the circle they’d made.
I spent my time listening to the wind in the trees, and the sounds of the animals moving around in the night, and for the first time in a while was able to simply relax – if only for a few brief moments.