I came to the realization last night that I’m afraid. I’m rather comfy in the spot that I am in, and even if my practices are a bit lax of late, that’s been working rather well for me in the overall hectic, crazy scheme of my life. So to invite any sort of change into that, is a bit daunting to think about, to say the very least.
My primary path has almost always been Wicca inspired, Eclectic Witchcraft, and despite the fact that actual initiation into Wicca proper is likely never to happen – due to a variety of factors, as I mentioned above, I’m quite comfortable there. I’ve had an avid interest in Heathenry for the last couple years, but it’s been mostly on an academic level rather than anything I was looking to actively practice, though it’s entirely possible that certain Gods have been nudging in that direction for a while.
In those academic pursuits, I’ve studied the Runes off and on over the years, but never with any serious intent. However recently a study group was formed by a friend, and it seemed like a good opportunity to make a more concentrated effort into doing it properly for once. Part of doing it properly of course, includes introducing oneself to Odinn – as he is the one who won the Runes for us, and it’s generally considered good manners to (at the very least) acknowledge him, and the sacrifice he made, when one is looking to study them.
So I bought the mead, and have a general idea of things to do for honoring him, and having a bit of a “hello” chat, and yet I kept putting it off (though to be fair when I was going to do it last week, I really was not feeling well), but since then it’s seemed like an exercise in procrastination at it’s best. It finally hit me last night as I was falling asleep, that it’s my own fears that are holding me back. The fear that when I do sit down to chat, that nothing will happen, that I will be ignored. Or
worse that he will answer, and in answering, will grasp me firmly to him, and claim me as his own – thus taking me from that comfy little spot that I am in, and thrusting me heartily onto an unknown path, that I’m not entirely sure that I’m ready to take.
Yes… I am afraid, almost shaking in my boots afraid (ok – I don’t wear boots, or shoes most of the time for that matter, but you get the picture XD). However now that I am aware, and have acknowledged that it exists, I am determined to own up to this fear, and face it… on shaky, unsteady legs if I have to. I can accept no less for myself.